Gay Center Internship: Day 1

So I survived my first day of intensity. Lot to remember, lot to learn... good thing I wrote it down.

M. Dave runs a group called, "Creative Recovery." Today we made cards. There were three guys in their 20s/30s, Jay, Dan, and Chad. M. Dave was introducing the project and Chad cut in "give me the scissors." Dave stayed very calm, kept going, saying that they will get the supplies and to look through the magazines first. Chad said again, "give me scissors!" M. Dave said in a calm collected voice, "You are very chatty today, if you can continue to be disrespectful I will kick you out." Chad said, " You can do that?! You can kick me out?! What if I made myself scarce?" M. Dave paused then said, "ok." He walked out. It was no big deal and everything went on as planned. Dave handled the situation very well, he was calm and didn't let it get to him.

My main goal during this internship is to get better at handling adverse situations. When a client challenges authority or comes in in a bad head I don't want to take it personally. I need to have a internal dialogue that goes off in my mind... "it's not personal" "not you" "it's their stuff" "this is a great learning opportunity" "I'm not going to let them ruin my day" "maybe they might even brighten my day, because I will be so proud of myself if I handle it well"

I must not be too down on myself if I don't learn this skill instantly. It might come in stages so I need to relax and be confident in myself, no matter what.

Almost the End

So this group dynamics class has brought a lot of shit up for me. It has amplified what I don't like about myself.

I get so mad at people who I think are trying to sabotage the group with their bitching. I get mad because they just bitch without having any solutions or anything positive to add. They are like psychic phantoms sucking the life out of everyone and ensuring that nothing good happens. How do I deal with people like this in the future? How do I not let myself get so invested in other people's bad behavior.

I am disappointed in myself, I was unable to lead the group. I don't think anyone could have. I wanted to save the day. I just wished that I had more influence in the group. I don't know what about me makes people not want to listen to what I have to say or follow me. I'm frustrated by my lack of power. I certainly have the guts to stand up for myself, why can't I be someone that people listen to. I feel like everything I say falls on deaf ears, or gets twisted and misunderstood. It's like people have a predisposition to ignore/reject me. It makes me so frustrated that I act out and try too hard and look like a fool to get attention. I need to figure out what I am doing that drives people away.

The ideal person I want to be:

1) secure
2) calm, even keeled- even the smallest things won't make me upset.
3) Less sensitive- so other people don't bother me and I don't take everything so personally.

Why do I take everything so personally? Why do I have to get so mad that other people suck? Why does that personally offend me?

When race is misperceived

One reason a person's racial (cultural) identity is important to consider is because people of color can bring that baggage to the group and view things within that lens of past oppression, even when it isn't always the the cause of their exclusion. The example was Sasha today talking about how she often feels silenced because of her race and felt silenced in the group. I think her silencing (discomfort) was more an issue of gender than race.

The white girl with the black attitude.

Is it more culturally acceptable for women of color to be more outspoken than white women?

Possibly. There is an understanding and allowance for their history of oppression. Especially if a woman of color is not the minority in a group. But when a white women speaks out (especially against a white man) it is seen as more aggressive or culturally abnormal regardless of whether this white girl is in the minority or not. White women are suppose to shut up around a white man. I wonder if the tendency for women of color shut up around white men less or more. Maybe everyone ought shut up in front of the white man.

Arrogance is the enemy

I have to explain how this group dynamics class works. The class is split into two groups and we each observe the other group talking and we pull out their dynamics and roles.

A person doesn't become a leader by asserting themselves as one. Everyone must respect them to truly allow them to have that power and take that role. So this guy Steve in my group is the self-proclaimed leader. No one decided that he should lead, we were all just quiet and he stepped up and decided to take over. He is very full of himself and believes that everything he says is so important. Others are sick of him and my teacher says he's being used in the group to question roles, etc. I was jockeying for power with him today, probably giving him more air time than he deserves. I better shut up and let him hang himself. That is the plan. Chi is very likable but at the same time he resists any leadership role, it's like he wants to be involved and important without taking any initiative. He wants to be really controversial, but he resists creating that tension, like he wants someone else to do it for him, so he can benefit but at the same time someone else gets blamed for bringing on the tension. That's annoying too.

What is Culture, exactly?

It sounds like an idiotic question but every time I come across it in my book I'm not really sure what "culture" they are referring to. Sometimes it clearly means race or ethnic background, like in the word multicultural, but other times its meaning is less specific. It seems like one of those nebulous words that are tossed around like diversity. It's safe because it can include everything or just refer to race and sometimes its hard to tell. If it seems to refer only to race it is sure to include every other "culture," just in case. I don't know whether to press my teacher on this one. I wonder if "culture" is meant to only mean a person's background as in where they are from or can the meaning be more complex to imply that a person's culture could be a different life perspective, social class, generation, sexual orientation or gender identity, and I'm sure the list goes on. I'd like to think culture has a broader meaning but maybe our society or certain institutions have narrowed the meaning so that most people jump to "race" when they hear "culture." And if that were true, what a problem that would be, a great way to enforce stereotyping and a lack of understanding for the myriad of differences we all have.

Multiculturalism

I'm so sick of reading about how I'm suppose to see people of "minority" races as a separate alien species. I put minority in quotes because minority can be relative to the environment you're in. I do think that a therapist should take into consideration the possibility that a person's race has had a significant impact on their development. My only issue is with assuming that a particular person's race MUST be significant. I would let the client take the lead on whether I need to consider their race, or better yet, HOW I need to consider their race. I don't believe every white or black person is the same or should be treated with a special sensitivity toward their race unless they require it because of their specific needs. And.. a black person growing up in a wealthy all-white community might have a different understanding of their race than a black person growing up in an all-black (and probably low-income) environment.

In short, clients should be given different treatment based on their specific needs, and not necessarily because they're from a different ethnic or cultural background.

First Post

I just started a masters program in counseling. I haven't even begun classes and I am already angry at the reading! So I created this blog, to ramble on about psychological shit that pisses me off that I might not want to mention in a paper.

This will serve as a private spot that I can "form my own individual counseling identity" or whatever the book said.